So, like, Tyra Banks, model and creator of America’s Next Top Model, wrote a novel. I won’t waste your time like this book did mine: This.book.is.bad.like.so.bad. In some ways, her novel could be considered satire until you realize this is a serious book that people actually edited and wanted people to read. Insert necessary sigh here.

Bank’s novel Modelland follows Tookie De La Creme gets an invitation to Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain. Soon Dark rumors  question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected along with the shadows around Modelland hiding sinister secrets.

So, listen. I define a good book  as one that makes me scream to the heavens and whip to infinity, because I’m so enamored about what’s going on, and a bad book is one that ninety percent of the book is me judging the font and the cover while casually using the book as a door stop, but hey. Modelland is beyond critiquing. It is so far gone we’ve gone right back around into kicking and screaming territory because what am I even looking at!?? I can’t tell you how many times I chucked this book across my room  with this wide-eyed open-mouthed shock, often making what I like to call a ‘hissing noise’  because I couldn’t even handle it, it’s so awesomely bad. Not the kind that makes you go “Not today” and slam the book shut, no. I needed to know where exactly she was going to drag this garbage along.

And besides the basic fact that you can guess that the main character of the book Tookie De La Crème (if you’re dying over the character now, don’t even start because this book is much much much much much worse than the names) is going to Modelland and that some guy, with an equally ridiculous name, ends up liking her, the rest is anything but predictable. So what’s it like? Basically, imagine Tyra at Black Friday of stories. She knocks a housewife out of the way to swipe Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, most  discount Harry Potters, Matilda, Alice in Wonderland, and then mauled a group of teens for a copy of A Clockwork Orange, and of course plenty of America’s Next Top Model). Finally, she then throws them all up into a cart so it a bloody mess, throws some glitter, money, incompetent editors, microsoft office paint cover, and a half-assed bow.

Tyra, if you ever see this (hahah.ya sure.), I adore you ,but you need to stick to reality shows because the reality is you can’t write a book.